Perfect Timing

A few good men is one of my favorite movies, I like it for its courtroom drama, for the whole dramatic background music, for Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson, for Demi Moore, and for all the memories I have of watching this movie with my brother. I have realized over time that it is the memories associated with movies that make them special. I have seen absurd movies with my cousins or friends and I can remember having my best time at.

Anyhow, last night this movie was coming on television and I decided to watch it. I finished all my errands and couched on the bed to watch. My daughter was busy with her toys or her grandparents, she realized that her mumma was busy and like my sweet little angel that she is, she let me be. And the movie progressed, the drama unfolding, Code red, Fendrick, Jessep, Downey, Dawson, Kaffe, everyone trying to prove their point. I was totally engrossed in the movie. And the climax came, as Kaffe called in for Col. Jessep, call it a co-incidence my daughter opened the door to my room and entered. I looked at her for a second, and got back to my movie. As Jessep approached his seat, my daughter approached me. That’s when Captain Ross called for Jessep’s rights, and my daughter made me aware of her rights. “Mummy, I Pooped”, she said. I looked at her disbelievingly. And that’s when Kaffe said “Is it funny, Sir”. This could not be happening, not now, not to me. I urged her to finish the pooping errand and I would clean her up. She insisted that she has already finished and needed to be cleaned.

I tried to convince her to wait for two more minutes, I mean what harm could come out of it. I could not concentrate on the movie a bit, my daughter started shouting on top of her lungs, and there Kaffe was shouting, “Could they ignore your order”. Here my own daughter was ignoring my order. And the stench from the poop spread in the room. There was no more I could wait. And that’s when Jessep said “Ever put your life in another man’s hands and asked him to put his life in yours?” I nodded and thought I just did. I rushed her to the washroom in an attempt to wash her quickly so I could still catch the end of the movie. I could hear Kaffe and Jessep shouting in the washroom as I cleaned my daughter put her on the changing board to change her clothes.

By the time I got free and carried my daughter Jessep was being arrested for ordering a code red. I wanted at that time to order a code red on the toddler in my arms but alas I smiled at her as she said “Mummy, cat poem’. I took her to my bed, switched off the television as Dawson and Downey discussed their future, hummed the cat poem to my daughter and slept.

So last night I made some new memories with the movie, earlier when we were younger my brother used to be Jessep and me Kaffe, and all along the movie we would mute it and say the dialogues. I remembered those days, recounted what happened today and just smiled. Life does change after being a mother.

When Child Becomes the Parent !!

A young branch takes on all the bends that one gives it: Author Unknown

Motherhood has had plenty of pleasant changes in me over time. From being more patient, to being more organized, being more concerned than self-centered, being more mature (if I may say so), to saving more and wasting less. There are tons of changes that motherhood has brought in me. And I feel proud, of myself in some little way. When my little munchkin was born, I was not very sure of how I would raise her up. I had this plan in my mind of a perfect life for her but the nomadic lifestyle that I was used to, I was not sure if I would be able to accomplish that. But things changed, I would not say I have been able to achieve all that I wanted to but So far So good and I am happy with my progress.

I have enumerated many times how life changes after having a baby, but gradually as the infant phase goes away and the toddler stage sets in I have realized that all is well. It does take time and perseverance, but in the end all is good. And one of the things that my daughter has been able to do is to metamorphose us for better. My daughter has been successful in bringing out the flaws in us so that we can realize them and change. She brings out the flaws in us by either emulating them so we comprehend that she picked up this unpleasant habit from us or many times very bluntly telling us to our face that she is not very fond of this habit of ours. And surprisingly enough, we change. It impacts us in an improbable way.

From simple habits of digging your nose to, being lazy and not cleaning the spilled water on floor, to not switching off television before dozing off to not stacking the shoes in the shoe rack, to not putting out the towel to dry in the sun (Most of these habits are of my husband’s). My girl makes sure that the house is spotless all through the day. The simple fact that she is looking up to us to learn and live has made us responsible for our actions. It’s good to have this house mother in form of my daughter always around to change in us something’s we were most reluctant to change.

So over the two years that we have had our daughter we have become cleaner, methodical, accountable, we love more, respect more, care more, and listen more. So in the process of teaching all the good traits, we are imbibing the best from her.

Big Hug and Thank You to my little Munchkin!!

More than Just Getting Her Married

As I woke up this morning and grabbed my newspaper to read, this particular piece of news caught my attention, “A good number of girls become college drop outs and get married before they finish their studies”. This did amuse me, but distressed me. Why is the marriage of our daughters such a hassle and the why does it become the epicenter of our worry and savings. The day the doctor announces, “It’s a girl”, following a 15 seconds silence (Yes trust me the first choice in India is still to have a boy), there is happiness in the air, and a thought in the back of the mind, “Alright I need to plan and save for her marriage”. This is how it is in India, inadvertently parents of a girl in India have this outlandish worry in their minds of getting their daughter married.

We do educate our daughters, we do, the literacy rate has improved, but more than usual the education is only to add value to her resume as a marriageable material. There are only a few girls who are privileged to live a life they want. One of the girls in the article revealed that she came from a rich family of businessmen, but she knew that she would be married off to a suitable boy by the time she finished high school, she bargained for a year at college before marriage to live her life, and she was allowed. She married at the end of her first year, not completing her college. This disturbed me, not because she could not finish her studies, many don’t and go places, but the fact that she had to bargain for her freedom, it is her life for god’s sake. The simple fact that girls are considered burdens adds to this whole situation, dowry, rape, molestation, abuse within marriage, only overwhelming the parents with worries to get her married before she is exposed to the brutal world.

There are still many powerful women in the country women who have made their mark, and I believe it is because their family supported her. They let her explore herself, her needs, aspirations, desires everything. Being married or not should be the prerogative of the girl, let her decide when she wants it, with whom she wants it. She deserves this much. Our aim as parents should be to give her a life she enjoys, cherishes, and not burden her constantly that her looks should be perfect to lure the perfect match. She should have a beautiful heart, an intelligent and reasonable mind; she need not dress up for anyone else but to make herself happy. She needs to educate herself as much as she likes, marriage should not be barrier, I don’t find any reason why she cannot be doing it if she thinks she can.

There is too much emphasis of marriage in this country, especially for girls. Some parents only want to get rid of the burden of having a daughter and fail to fathom how many undergo martial abuse; they get a life they don’t want to live.  I have examples within my family wherein parents decided to spend money on the daughter’s marriage rather than her education, “She eventually has to get married only, so why waste money on education”. A woman has an identity beyond her man, and this needs to be accepted in the society fervently. We are much more than just being a marriageable girl.

I was fortunate enough to be raised in a family who believed in the same ideology as mine, I was given the best of education my parents could afford, liberty to question and demand, I was no less than a boy to my parents, and yes I had my moments of being on the road feeling vulnerable because I am a girl, but my parents instilled in me the confidence to take on the world. I voice my opinions, I am the so called modern day girl, wife to a loving husband who is supportive and encouraging, mother of a little girl who I intend to raise on the principles I believe in. I want to give her wings to fly, explore, travel and find herself. Her marriage is on my mind because I want her to enjoy this part of life too as I enjoy it, but only when she wants it and the way she wants to. We have to stop fretting about her marriage, and fret more for her wellbeing and keeping her happy, giving her a life she deserves and commands since we brought her into this world.

May sound a little over board but I love this line my father sent me once:

“A girl is not tension, but she is equal to TEN-SONS”

Let us embrace this thought and give our daughters the privilege of a wonderful life they deserves.

 

 

Toddler, Toddler all the Way

I am writing this blog for no particular rhyme or reason but for the simple fact that I can’t believe I have not written anything in this blog for over two months. How could I even do that? There is so much new and fresh happening at the baby front, I wonder how I missed documenting any of that. So let me get started on this one, it is very important. So my little girl is one year and 8 months now, and she is a big girl now, yes I want to believe that she is a grown up (it gives me such a relief to think this way).

And she is growing up fast; I can’t remember the little one who gave me plenty of sleepless nights. She sleeps on her own these days mostly exhausted from playing and roaming the whole day long. And life has changed so much; it seems like ages before that I had sleepless nights, leaking boobs, cranky moods. A lot has changed and there is so much she is learning every day and in the process of raising her, there are so many things I am learning from her.

What is most satisfying is that every morning she gets down from her bed in search of her “Mumma”; if she knows I am in the washroom she would keep banging my door until I respond. Being needed is such a pleasure for the first time in my life. She watches her daily dose of poems and surprisingly sits for an hour without flinching, except for having her milk or something to eat. But I have realized that I can never pee alone not anymore in silence because the minute she finds out that I am away she would start looking for me and the adamant baby she is, she would never give up until I have hurriedly somehow managed to finish peeing, zipped myself and rushed to the door. HUH, never thought peeing would be such a marathon.

The ME time is over for me, this truth I have accepted with much aplomb, but no movie time, well this is still to come. I used to live at the theatres before miss munchkin entered our lives, practically live there. But now I have to choose between movies to decide which ones to watch. Ahhh, so much so for a healthy happy baby ;).  And the television, I used to watch all the horror and action stuff, from mass murders, to sociopaths stories, to horrendous murders, thefts and accidents. All that is history now, we watch Rhymes, cartoons, baby stories, and animals.

So she is speaking now, well not exactly speaking but basically becoming a parrot and repeating what I or anybody says. So the role model mother that I need to be, I need to let go off the foul language, watch my words make sure that are formed correctly. And so much so that all the words that she is not supposed to know are learnt by her more readily than the ones she should be saying. “Watch your tongue Mother”.

And she can open up cabinets now, we have kept one not child proofed which has all the things she can eat.  But she is a chooser, she chooses what she wants to eat, and god if out of the two cookies given to her one is broken, she refuses to eat and throws a tantrum so hard that I have to offer her a new one. She has to unwrap the cheese slices on her own, you certainly can’t do it for her.  She stays in her tub for like forever, there is no way you can get her out of water.

So she growing up and learning her ways out, she is not the same little baby who used to sit at a particular place until moved. She does not need me as much now as before, yeah she loves me and all but slowly and steadily paving her life too. One day she will blossom and move out. And I will miss these days. The other day on a night out I casually asked my husband what he expected from his life ahead. And his answer got me all misty eyed, he said and I paraphrase; I just want that when I leave this world (Many years from now) I want to know deep down that my daughter is happy and content.

OMG having a child is an absolute BLISS!!

Shhhhhh……., Silence Please

So we have a toddler at home, life it seems is always on a roller coaster ride. No doubt I love to see her growing up, but it is exhaustive at the same time. She is like a super speeding jet, wheels on her feet and a tongue that keeps babbling the whole time. It is fun to see so much energy in her the whole day. But there are times when one wants peace and I wish she could just take rest for some time. But its then that I realise that I am mother now, the life of peace and rest is a luxury that I can’t afford anymore.

And then I remember this article I had read long time back, when she was an infant and I used to spend a considerable time on the net trying to find other mothers who had similar experiences of wailing babies with no rest. I wanted to be assured that I was not alone. And one day I tumbled over this article.

She had just given birth to this wonderful precious baby, got him home, loved him, cuddled him, but as time passed and the sleepless nights increased and she doubted her decision to have a baby. She missed her time alone, and there were times when she locked herself in the washroom, just to have few minutes of silence. The baby yanking the whole day irritated her. They were moments when she loved the little nuances her little one did. But the pressure of raising the child alone without any help and husband abroad was overwhelming. But she was coping. They were times when she cursed herself and sometimes the baby too in frustration and hated her life as it was. There were times when she shouted “Shut Up” to the baby.

But one day the baby got sick, he could not breathe properly, she took him to the hospital but he did not survive. She came back home to an empty silent home after the funeral. Somehow this silence wrenched her body. She yearned to hear her baby squeal, cry, shout, babble. She blamed herself for what had happened. As time passed the pain remained but she moved on. A day came when she held a little one in her arms again. She again got her home. And again the cycle of squealing, crying, shouting began. Only this time she pledged not to shut her up. The silence was still lingering in her head, and there was no way she could allow silence to overpower the sweet sound of her child. She now knew what it felt like, the bone wrenching silence.

I remember this story brought me to tears, and I decided that I would not be that irritable mother, I would learn and acquaint myself to this new and beautiful job of being a mother that god has blessed me with. So very true, that the “ME” time is over, but nothing can be more rewarding than being and listening to my little one.

Spare Me the Questions and Suggestions :)

This one is from earlier times, when I had become a new mommy, a first at it, I had no clue about raising a little life I had brought into the world, I read a lot during the nine months of my pregnancy and even the postpartum period about raising a little baby. There were highs and there were lows but at the end of it I strode through it, happily and successfully, or so I Believe. There were many annoying things that occurred at that time, it was as if I was suffering from Bi polar disorder, extremely high and low points came and went. And amongst all odds I was surviving. But one thing that annoyed me the most, were suggestions and questions from near and dear ones, I know they meant good, but GOD they were irritating. There were times when I just wanted to put earplugs in my ears, push myself against the pillow and sleep. The list is endless but there were a few which stood apart, the ones that made me want to stand up scream and leave.

O.K. so you have just let out a marvel out of your body and for all you know, the whole pampering and attention you got for the nine months while you were pregnant has now shifted to the little one. You are like a walking Zoombie in the house, not enough sleep, and endless cycles of feeding and nappy changing. And a guest arrives to congratulate you in the middle of the afternoon. First of all Mr/Miss this is the most incongruous time to arrive at my house, I was just going to take a nap as my baby has fallen asleep for a change, but since you have arrived I will be a good host and entertain you. But hello ten minutes into the conversation and what have you asked me, “What’s with the dark circles, are you not getting enough sleep”.  Arggghh what do you think I gave birth to a baby or a sleeping beauty or a medical marvel for God’s sake? Don’t you know babies don’t sleep for a few months, their schedules are erratic? And this mostly came from women who themselves have adolescents. Jesus I am sure they have forgotten what their times were like. GO ahead have a baby again and I would want to see your dark circles free eyes!!

And again I am outside shopping for groceries and other goods; I am making my way through the various alleys, pushing the pram of my child with one hand and cart from another, and suddenly my baby wails. OMG I am almost into tears trying to figure out what is wrong, is she hungry, wet, bored, what?? I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with her when suddenly I have a swamp of women crowding around me, cursing me for my incompetency to handle my own child, shooting suggestions, she must be hungry, or wet, or wants to be held, or probably irritated by all the light, sound.. Blah, Blah, Blah! Hellooooo I am trying to figure out that only, give me peace I will be able to handle it. Just Go…..

And you have people coming up to you at home, asking “How may I help”? Help me in any way you like, get me cup a hot coffee, make good food to me, bring me books, do my shopping, anything which you think is worth doing, just do it. Don’t ask me, please Do It! I will absolutely welcome surprises.

So finally now my baby is a little grown up, and I have finally become acclimatized to her schedule, I am trying to enjoy my little free time. Her nap schedule has finally fallen into place. But Oopppps I get a phone call, “We are coming over to visit the baby, keep her awake”, or “Come over for dinner or a late night party, this Saturday”. It is rude saying NO to invitations. But I am simply not in the mood, not right now. Please excuse me, I want to be alone for some time. But how many times can you do that, because people just don’t take the clue. I will come back to my social life again, but give me time. “Oh you have become so boring after the baby, other mothers manage”. I am not like other mothers, I want to adjust and enjoy at my own pace. Is it too much to ask?? So just let me be, I will come out of my shell when I want to.

It has been a year finally; you have celebrated the baby’s first birthday, and finally emerged a winner mother through all odds. And here come the most deadliest question especially by the old aunties that will shred you to bits, and I dread even typing it, “When are you having a SECOND ONE”. Like really, did you just ask me that, It might sound tempting to have another one to cuddle but finally life has come to track slowly and steadily, I can’t derail it again, not right now, not until both my husband and I and for that matter even my daughter are ready. We will wait. I will not deprive my daughter of the love of a sibling. But only when I think it is the right time. You say this and have all the oldies gaping at you astounded, as if you just told them their drink had poison mixedJ.

And then there are times, when now my daughter is almost one and a half years old, and women planning a baby or already pregnant ask me, is motherhood worth it, and all I can say is Yes, Absolutely. It is worth all the sleepless nights and smelly poop, all the wailing at night, to have no life of our own. It is awesome to worry all the time, looking forward to watch her grow, plan for her. Yes you miss a lot in life once you have your baby, life is never the same whatever people may say, but it is the most beautiful feeling, watching your little one sleep, talk, kiss, hug, read. Nothing can replace this magical feeling. But Please don’t ask me the questions mentioned above, Please Spare me the Horror!!

 

 

God Please Let Time Pause Forever Just Right Here!!

I was one of those moms who was not immediately imbued with love for my little munchkin (Yes, it sounds creepy). But all the sleepless nights, diaper changing, baby wailing at 3 am in the morning, continuous cycles of pooping and feeding, I was just not a fan of all these. So simply put I did not enjoy motherhood, as much as I thought I would in the first few months of my LIL Munchkin’s birth.

But suddenly, now there is an oversupply of mommy emotions in me, I don’t know but I feel that I have found a new friend in her. As she is growing up and learning to speak, I have realized I have someone to share with, a new confidant, a new companion. And it is amazing how she sits on tummy and I keep blubbering about my day, my anxieties, grievances, happiness, joys, everything and anything, and she keeps responding in her own language, catching some of my words and repeating them, following my expressions and making the same. I love it when we share these moments, she tries to explain how her day was in her broken words and I nod, and the conversation goes on.

I was always of the opinion that children should be set free, sent wherever they want to go, to study, work, marriage, anything. Parents should not be a liability, there should be no inhibitions, and I wanted to follow this for my LIL Munchkin as well. But it is so hard to follow it now, the mere thought that she might have to leave to study, or get married sends me scary goose bumps. I cry at movies where the brides leave their parent’s house after marriage, or songs that depict this emotion. It wrenches my heart to accept that I have to let go of her one day.

Just the other day I was having an argument with my husband, and my LIL Munchkin was also around, my husband was quite as usual and I was trying to shout at the top of my lungs to make my point (Yeah I am the dominant one, and the angry one, and the stubborn one, and the rude one, Judge me all you want!! 😉 ). And at some point I got so overwhelmed that I started to cry, my LIL Munchkin came running, pulled me down shed a tear and said, “No, NO, No, Mumma, No, NO”, which implied that she did not want me crying. And just like that I smiled and cried at the same time, to realize how much she cared for me. To add up to things she went to her father and scolded him in her little way, refused to go to him when he called him for a hug, as if saying, ”You hurt Mumma, me no like you”. And I felt so guilty, (Because truly my husband was not at fault, I always get over excited, Argghhhh !!). And guilty as charged, from that day I have decided not to overwhelm my daughter with my eccentric emotions.

Lately she also has started finding me in a crowd, when she is surrounded with family and friends; she calls out mumma and comes running to me to just give a peck on my cheek or a small hug. It melts my heart with happiness and pride. It is so reassuring to know that she cares and remembers me. Times when she catches flu or is down with the weather she does not want to be with anyone but me, she just cringes to me, does not want me to leave and hugs me tight. I cannot even begin to fathom how I feel at those moments. The other day when she was taken down with flu, I asked her if mumma can go to office, and she said “No, NO, No, No”, with her fingers enacting her words. And when her father asked if he could leave for office, she said “Yes, Go”. OMG, I cannot begin to explain how much pride this gave me, not that we are into some competition, but these little brownie points are so wonderful.

So I have become a MOMMY in the true sense now, I now feel responsible, for bringing a life into the world, vigilant that a life depends on me, reassured that she depends on me, happy that I have her around. Motherhood is amazing; it gives me jitters and goosebumps of joy. And finally I am enjoying, I know someday she will fly, teenage years are rough I hear, but right now I am content with what I have. I wish it could be like this forever, but even if not, I have some beautiful memories to remember.

I Would Be Labelled the WITCH in the Family!!

We all know how motherhood makes you a better person, more patient, more accepting, more forgiving, more organised, alright the list is endless. But lest I knew I would have another suffix added to my name; “Shivangi the WITCH”, I know it sounds harsh, Not that anybody calls me by this name, but I am sure this is what is going in their heads. The “THEIR” here represents my In-Laws and the extended family on my husbands’ side. And I have been the Bitchy Daughter-in-Law from time imponderable. And ever since I had my baby, my “not so popular attributes” have only amplified.

To understand this you need to understand the framework of my family a bit, I live in New Delhi, in one of posh localities of the city in a Joint Family, yes you got it right “In a Joint Arrangement”. And I am not a very family orientated person, I am a very ME person indeed. So the arrangement includes a set of In-laws, And my husband’s brother and his wife. There are also other members of extended family but they are still a bit far, and by bit I mean only a BIT ;). So we are a close knit family, or so my Mother in law likes to believe. I have tried many a time to burst her bubble of togetherness, but I fail, and she triumphs. Alas!

OK so coming to how I became WITCH, the one sad part of my story is that my sister in-law does not have a baby yet, she has been trying, but with no success. Coupled with a two miscarriages, her life has been rough. And she is the favorite daughter in law in the family. Not that I envy her I am more than happy that she is too friendly since that takes load off my chest to make everyone happy. But after I had my lil munchkin things changed. I had always decided that my sister in-law could spend as much time with my lil one as she wanted because I could always feel her pain. And things were going great. I was OK with all the attention that my lil one was getting, she being the first of her generation in our household.

But I realized after some months that I was losing control, my baby was rarely with me, I was losing my time with her. And it was becoming difficult for me. I wanted to raise my child the way I wanted to, make a schedule for her, her nap-times, her eating habits, her story book time, lullaby time. I wanted to organize her life a bit at least to my liking. And I was failing terribly, and this was distressing. There were times when I used to get her to her nursery, and in five minutes someone would come to take her. Times when it was time for her dinner but she was with her uncle and aunts eating absolutely rubbish stuff, or her story time but someone would call out her name and she would get distracted. The significance of time in a little toddler’s life was insignificant. I had to go about asking where my lil doll is to be able to spend time with her. So do you understand my dilemma a bit??? I am not over agonizing, but I just wanted to spend time with her alone, or with my husband, or just make her sleep my way, on my time. I wanted her to bloom in a flower from a bud to my liking. You plan so many things when you get to know you are having a baby, and you want to do them all when you have the little bundle of joy.

So to bring an end to my agony I started speaking out firmly that I wanted my child with me for sometime, started making fixed schedules for her. I accept I came out blunt many a time, ruder than I intended to, but I was losing it big time. And that’s how I became the WITCH. I ended up upsetting many people, in the process, and of course they were not fools, they understood the change in my attitude. But I believe I did the right thing, I had to. I might turn out seriously like a witch here, but one has to be in my shoes to understand it. Also I would like to say here that I am blessed to have a family like them. They have been good to me, but giving space is necessary. I understand that my daughter is the apple of everyone’s eye, but she is the apple of my orchard and I want it this way!

I might have been wrong in certain things, or wrong in putting up certain things, but it felt like the most sane thing to do, Like all the motherhood books preach “Trust your motherly instincts”, I did just that and have no regrets whatsoever. WITCH or Not I am Angel to my daughter, every time she cringes in anyone’s arm crying mumma, my heart swells with Happiness. Pure Bliss.

I Might Not be Able to Parent Differently But I can Try :)

I am happy the way I have turned out in life, I am independent, loving, confident, aware, immensely attached to my family, pious, hardworking, financially stable. I am just a perfect daughter, wife, mother, daughter in law (Me not bragging 😉 ). Come to think of it I am everything my parents wanted me to be, but Hell No this was not all that I wanted to be in life. I wanted more, professionally and personally, not that I regret the way I was raised but perhaps some ways could have been different. I don’t know if that would have made me a better person but I always believe it was Worth the Shot.

There are certain (I would say many) ways that my parents followed while raising us that I would like to simply COPY and PASTE and apply it to my munchkin’s life, follow them religiously. But still they are things that I want to do differently than theirs, and this post is dedicated to all those things I wished my parents had done differently (No Offence Intended).

–          I would not be a stubborn parent: I will try my best not to force my opinion on my child, I will not be adamant on my opinion. I will try and let her be and learn, I know this could be tough, but I want her to learn on her own. My way or the HIGHWAY would not be the rule I would follow. We will find a middle ground.

–          I will give her a loving and friendly environment: I think that’s so important, not that we were not loved, we were loved to bits, but what lacked was PDA, I am not all Go GO for PDA, but once in a while seeing your parents hug, probably a peck on the cheek only (Yeah it is not a popular culture in India) reinforces their love for one another and makes you plain HAPPY. I am not saying people who do not indulge in PDA don’t love each other but still a little of it and not going overboard of course, makes your life musical.

–          Be more open to her opinions: We were never part of this, any discussions in our house related to us or family or any other topics of importance were made behind closed doors. Probably it was to protect us from undue worries, but they were times we used to yearn to be a part of them. I don’t say I will make my munchkin a part of all our discussions but yes it would be nice having family time around table often to discuss topics of importance for everyone.

–          Learn to accept that her aspirations will be different from ours: Children, I believe are not born to carry the burden of the baggage of accomplishments we could not achieve in life. It is not wrong having dreams for your kids, it is totally normal but forcing it on them would be wrong, they just might have better plans for themselves. It is OK to let them have their own dreams and fly because trust me they will fly HIGH!!

–          Parents are not perfect : We are not perfect, we are humans (Yeah probably we are superhumans in the first few years with all the errands we end up doing, all the multitasking which comes with parenthood), but the truth is we make mistakes and we will mistakes to learn. We don’t have to set a perfect MOMMY-DAD example for them. It only ensues disproportionate pressures on the child looking up at the so called “Perfect” parents who perhaps are not so perfect. It is OK for my daughter to spill milk, drop her toys everywhere, because her mother also is not always swanky. We don’t have to live by the rules, it is OK to break them at times. Not that she will not learn manners, she would but she does not have to be a perfectionist, she will be if you chooses to be someday.

–          Getting angry, shouting and not talking does not serve the purpose: Whenever we did any mistakes it was the rule of my father to get angry in a rude way and also stop talking to us. It was his way of making us feel “GUILTY”.  It only made my brother and me feel insecure, worthless, useless, and it was not the best feeling in the world. Punishment is an integral part of parenting but it should be accomplished in a healthy way. There are ways I am sure to make a child feel a bit guilty but not demean her.

–          Do and learn: This one is exclusively for my mother, my father was not very over-protective but my mother was the epitome of protection. She wanted to save her children from all possible dangers, and it’s the most natural motherly feeling ever. But it is important to let go of them a bit, let them take their chances and learn. They will fall, get bruised, but those bruises will be a lifelong lesson. I know it might hurt to bits but it is necessary for all I know. Life does not come easy if not today then tomorrow they will have to learn it.

–          Accept her failures: For all parents their children are the best, the standouts in the crowd but when they enter the competitive world, things change, the definition of BEST changes. There are other children who might be better than ours in certain ways and ours better than them in certain. We need to accept that she will have her set of failures, and what is needed at those times is encouragement and not harsh words. It is not the end of the world, it is always workable. She will learn from her failures, and come out SHINING!

–          Times have changed and we should too: We should be able to change with times, nothing is static, and everything keeps changing. And we should be able to accept it and move with it. Writing letters is a good sweet method for communication but in the age if Whatssapp you need to get a hang of it. Grow with your little ones, learn from them. They can be a part of your growth, there world is different from yours and it’s a wonderland, Be a part of it.

–          Lastly if NO then at least try having LESS expectation : Let us not BURDEN them is my simple mantra. I know having no expectations can be a robustly tough thought but it is essential if we want them to be complete in their own happy way. Be a friend with no benefits, Ask her, hear it out, she has so much to tell.

Let us make this thing clear, we brought them into the world with our choices, we are not doing them any favours by giving them education, basic amenities of life, but they also need love, compassion, respect, their space for existence, identity. We are here to make their lives simpler and happier and our task should be just that.

These would be a few things or few ways I would have wanted to live by as I was growing. In no way am I trying to imply that I did not have good childhood, I had a wonderful one. I am thankful to my parents, they did a lot, did more than they could afford both financially or mentally. I am thankful to them for all they did for my brother and me. I have no regrets but there is always scope for improvement. I will make a lot of mistakes growing up my munchkin, probably someday she would be writing down things she wanted differently when she becomes a MOTHER, who knows, but this is ME right now. I might not be all correct but I am trying and learning.

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How Gratifying is Motherhood?

The other day I met a friend of mine after ages, we had been in school together (Although in school we had promised to meet every year at least once, but who does that right?), so it had been roughly 10 years that I last met her. We got talking, she was appalled to know that I had a daughter who had already turned ONE!! “Time flies” she said and I agreed, though the past one year had not flown for me. And then one thing led to another, she said that I was so lucky to have found the ultimate solace in life, a loving husband, a daughter, a complete family, what more could I ask in life. And that is when it struck me, Really had I achieved everything?

I kept thinking what was amiss, why was I not feeling so complete, while the world thought I was. After much contemplation I came to the conclusion that it is all about your aspirations. How do you see your life after having the baby decides whether or not you will be able to enjoy motherhood to the core. If you don’t intend to pursue your career after baby, and take care of the baby full time, which many women decide to do, then I think that your life is pretty much sorted, you make up your mind that your life revolves around your baby, That’s IT!! But if you belong to a group which believes in resuming work after baby, in that case baby you are ready for a roller coaster ride and yes a scary one. We often read working women saying that it is all about finding the “Fine Balance” between work and home. But the fine balance is “stumbling all the time” is something these females forget to tell you.

In India we have a different approach on parenting, it’s a normal and natural phenomenon and everybody goes through it, especially if you decide to be an “In home mom”, people expect that this is your only job, to take care of your kids. Your life is altered unmeasurably, and still there is not much appreciation coming your way. I have realised now that it is not that today’s generation lacks patience, probably the earlier generation lacked it too but we in India don’t speak out our feelings, perhaps many women wanted more from their lives than just being moms. Perhaps they were frustrated with their mundane routine, or wanted to vent but the norms of society stopped them. Not liking parenthood is such a taboo in India that no one ever comes up or accepts it. Secondly very rarely Indian men decide to share the workload, things are sure changing now but still it is a normal perception that that the man’s job is to earn bread and not take care of children. Post natal depression is a word not heard of in India and even if it  is heard of, a very few women come up and accept it, let alone going to the doctor for it. But I am very sure it exists. We keep finding a positive angle to the whole parenting scene, whereas there are too many loopholes which we conveniently try to avoid.

Hence in my case as much as I love my daughter, there are times when I feel insecure, it feels life has halted for me, like I have stopped doing things I loved to do, reading for hours, going on solo trips, sitting in a coffee shop and reading till eternity, these are just to count a few. And I know it will be quite a while wherein I will be able to get back to life and that too not completely, as inadvertently my daughter is on my mind and her wellbeing becomes my priority. So life most probably won’t take a U-Turn for me but I would definitely like a small cut in the road. There is so much I want to achieve in life professionally, for all I know I cannot be that mushy gushy mother, I need my space, my freedom, does that make me bad mother. I want the best for my daughter deep within, I want to give her the world and the sky but I also don’t want to lose myself in the process. So here is where the balance is and it is difficult to reach. Therefore let’s get the records straight parenting is challenging, difficult, confusing, fussy, and surely one day it will be rewarding and gratifying too but I want this journey to be the way I want it to be, I want to grow with my daughter and not stagnant just because I have become a mother. It is not too much to ask trust just being sure as to what I want from life.