I Would Be Labelled the WITCH in the Family!!

We all know how motherhood makes you a better person, more patient, more accepting, more forgiving, more organised, alright the list is endless. But lest I knew I would have another suffix added to my name; “Shivangi the WITCH”, I know it sounds harsh, Not that anybody calls me by this name, but I am sure this is what is going in their heads. The “THEIR” here represents my In-Laws and the extended family on my husbands’ side. And I have been the Bitchy Daughter-in-Law from time imponderable. And ever since I had my baby, my “not so popular attributes” have only amplified.

To understand this you need to understand the framework of my family a bit, I live in New Delhi, in one of posh localities of the city in a Joint Family, yes you got it right “In a Joint Arrangement”. And I am not a very family orientated person, I am a very ME person indeed. So the arrangement includes a set of In-laws, And my husband’s brother and his wife. There are also other members of extended family but they are still a bit far, and by bit I mean only a BIT ;). So we are a close knit family, or so my Mother in law likes to believe. I have tried many a time to burst her bubble of togetherness, but I fail, and she triumphs. Alas!

OK so coming to how I became WITCH, the one sad part of my story is that my sister in-law does not have a baby yet, she has been trying, but with no success. Coupled with a two miscarriages, her life has been rough. And she is the favorite daughter in law in the family. Not that I envy her I am more than happy that she is too friendly since that takes load off my chest to make everyone happy. But after I had my lil munchkin things changed. I had always decided that my sister in-law could spend as much time with my lil one as she wanted because I could always feel her pain. And things were going great. I was OK with all the attention that my lil one was getting, she being the first of her generation in our household.

But I realized after some months that I was losing control, my baby was rarely with me, I was losing my time with her. And it was becoming difficult for me. I wanted to raise my child the way I wanted to, make a schedule for her, her nap-times, her eating habits, her story book time, lullaby time. I wanted to organize her life a bit at least to my liking. And I was failing terribly, and this was distressing. There were times when I used to get her to her nursery, and in five minutes someone would come to take her. Times when it was time for her dinner but she was with her uncle and aunts eating absolutely rubbish stuff, or her story time but someone would call out her name and she would get distracted. The significance of time in a little toddler’s life was insignificant. I had to go about asking where my lil doll is to be able to spend time with her. So do you understand my dilemma a bit??? I am not over agonizing, but I just wanted to spend time with her alone, or with my husband, or just make her sleep my way, on my time. I wanted her to bloom in a flower from a bud to my liking. You plan so many things when you get to know you are having a baby, and you want to do them all when you have the little bundle of joy.

So to bring an end to my agony I started speaking out firmly that I wanted my child with me for sometime, started making fixed schedules for her. I accept I came out blunt many a time, ruder than I intended to, but I was losing it big time. And that’s how I became the WITCH. I ended up upsetting many people, in the process, and of course they were not fools, they understood the change in my attitude. But I believe I did the right thing, I had to. I might turn out seriously like a witch here, but one has to be in my shoes to understand it. Also I would like to say here that I am blessed to have a family like them. They have been good to me, but giving space is necessary. I understand that my daughter is the apple of everyone’s eye, but she is the apple of my orchard and I want it this way!

I might have been wrong in certain things, or wrong in putting up certain things, but it felt like the most sane thing to do, Like all the motherhood books preach “Trust your motherly instincts”, I did just that and have no regrets whatsoever. WITCH or Not I am Angel to my daughter, every time she cringes in anyone’s arm crying mumma, my heart swells with Happiness. Pure Bliss.

I Might Not be Able to Parent Differently But I can Try :)

I am happy the way I have turned out in life, I am independent, loving, confident, aware, immensely attached to my family, pious, hardworking, financially stable. I am just a perfect daughter, wife, mother, daughter in law (Me not bragging 😉 ). Come to think of it I am everything my parents wanted me to be, but Hell No this was not all that I wanted to be in life. I wanted more, professionally and personally, not that I regret the way I was raised but perhaps some ways could have been different. I don’t know if that would have made me a better person but I always believe it was Worth the Shot.

There are certain (I would say many) ways that my parents followed while raising us that I would like to simply COPY and PASTE and apply it to my munchkin’s life, follow them religiously. But still they are things that I want to do differently than theirs, and this post is dedicated to all those things I wished my parents had done differently (No Offence Intended).

–          I would not be a stubborn parent: I will try my best not to force my opinion on my child, I will not be adamant on my opinion. I will try and let her be and learn, I know this could be tough, but I want her to learn on her own. My way or the HIGHWAY would not be the rule I would follow. We will find a middle ground.

–          I will give her a loving and friendly environment: I think that’s so important, not that we were not loved, we were loved to bits, but what lacked was PDA, I am not all Go GO for PDA, but once in a while seeing your parents hug, probably a peck on the cheek only (Yeah it is not a popular culture in India) reinforces their love for one another and makes you plain HAPPY. I am not saying people who do not indulge in PDA don’t love each other but still a little of it and not going overboard of course, makes your life musical.

–          Be more open to her opinions: We were never part of this, any discussions in our house related to us or family or any other topics of importance were made behind closed doors. Probably it was to protect us from undue worries, but they were times we used to yearn to be a part of them. I don’t say I will make my munchkin a part of all our discussions but yes it would be nice having family time around table often to discuss topics of importance for everyone.

–          Learn to accept that her aspirations will be different from ours: Children, I believe are not born to carry the burden of the baggage of accomplishments we could not achieve in life. It is not wrong having dreams for your kids, it is totally normal but forcing it on them would be wrong, they just might have better plans for themselves. It is OK to let them have their own dreams and fly because trust me they will fly HIGH!!

–          Parents are not perfect : We are not perfect, we are humans (Yeah probably we are superhumans in the first few years with all the errands we end up doing, all the multitasking which comes with parenthood), but the truth is we make mistakes and we will mistakes to learn. We don’t have to set a perfect MOMMY-DAD example for them. It only ensues disproportionate pressures on the child looking up at the so called “Perfect” parents who perhaps are not so perfect. It is OK for my daughter to spill milk, drop her toys everywhere, because her mother also is not always swanky. We don’t have to live by the rules, it is OK to break them at times. Not that she will not learn manners, she would but she does not have to be a perfectionist, she will be if you chooses to be someday.

–          Getting angry, shouting and not talking does not serve the purpose: Whenever we did any mistakes it was the rule of my father to get angry in a rude way and also stop talking to us. It was his way of making us feel “GUILTY”.  It only made my brother and me feel insecure, worthless, useless, and it was not the best feeling in the world. Punishment is an integral part of parenting but it should be accomplished in a healthy way. There are ways I am sure to make a child feel a bit guilty but not demean her.

–          Do and learn: This one is exclusively for my mother, my father was not very over-protective but my mother was the epitome of protection. She wanted to save her children from all possible dangers, and it’s the most natural motherly feeling ever. But it is important to let go of them a bit, let them take their chances and learn. They will fall, get bruised, but those bruises will be a lifelong lesson. I know it might hurt to bits but it is necessary for all I know. Life does not come easy if not today then tomorrow they will have to learn it.

–          Accept her failures: For all parents their children are the best, the standouts in the crowd but when they enter the competitive world, things change, the definition of BEST changes. There are other children who might be better than ours in certain ways and ours better than them in certain. We need to accept that she will have her set of failures, and what is needed at those times is encouragement and not harsh words. It is not the end of the world, it is always workable. She will learn from her failures, and come out SHINING!

–          Times have changed and we should too: We should be able to change with times, nothing is static, and everything keeps changing. And we should be able to accept it and move with it. Writing letters is a good sweet method for communication but in the age if Whatssapp you need to get a hang of it. Grow with your little ones, learn from them. They can be a part of your growth, there world is different from yours and it’s a wonderland, Be a part of it.

–          Lastly if NO then at least try having LESS expectation : Let us not BURDEN them is my simple mantra. I know having no expectations can be a robustly tough thought but it is essential if we want them to be complete in their own happy way. Be a friend with no benefits, Ask her, hear it out, she has so much to tell.

Let us make this thing clear, we brought them into the world with our choices, we are not doing them any favours by giving them education, basic amenities of life, but they also need love, compassion, respect, their space for existence, identity. We are here to make their lives simpler and happier and our task should be just that.

These would be a few things or few ways I would have wanted to live by as I was growing. In no way am I trying to imply that I did not have good childhood, I had a wonderful one. I am thankful to my parents, they did a lot, did more than they could afford both financially or mentally. I am thankful to them for all they did for my brother and me. I have no regrets but there is always scope for improvement. I will make a lot of mistakes growing up my munchkin, probably someday she would be writing down things she wanted differently when she becomes a MOTHER, who knows, but this is ME right now. I might not be all correct but I am trying and learning.

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