I was one of those moms who was not immediately imbued with love for my little munchkin (Yes, it sounds creepy). But all the sleepless nights, diaper changing, baby wailing at 3 am in the morning, continuous cycles of pooping and feeding, I was just not a fan of all these. So simply put I did not enjoy motherhood, as much as I thought I would in the first few months of my LIL Munchkin’s birth.
But suddenly, now there is an oversupply of mommy emotions in me, I don’t know but I feel that I have found a new friend in her. As she is growing up and learning to speak, I have realized I have someone to share with, a new confidant, a new companion. And it is amazing how she sits on tummy and I keep blubbering about my day, my anxieties, grievances, happiness, joys, everything and anything, and she keeps responding in her own language, catching some of my words and repeating them, following my expressions and making the same. I love it when we share these moments, she tries to explain how her day was in her broken words and I nod, and the conversation goes on.
I was always of the opinion that children should be set free, sent wherever they want to go, to study, work, marriage, anything. Parents should not be a liability, there should be no inhibitions, and I wanted to follow this for my LIL Munchkin as well. But it is so hard to follow it now, the mere thought that she might have to leave to study, or get married sends me scary goose bumps. I cry at movies where the brides leave their parent’s house after marriage, or songs that depict this emotion. It wrenches my heart to accept that I have to let go of her one day.
Just the other day I was having an argument with my husband, and my LIL Munchkin was also around, my husband was quite as usual and I was trying to shout at the top of my lungs to make my point (Yeah I am the dominant one, and the angry one, and the stubborn one, and the rude one, Judge me all you want!! 😉 ). And at some point I got so overwhelmed that I started to cry, my LIL Munchkin came running, pulled me down shed a tear and said, “No, NO, No, Mumma, No, NO”, which implied that she did not want me crying. And just like that I smiled and cried at the same time, to realize how much she cared for me. To add up to things she went to her father and scolded him in her little way, refused to go to him when he called him for a hug, as if saying, ”You hurt Mumma, me no like you”. And I felt so guilty, (Because truly my husband was not at fault, I always get over excited, Argghhhh !!). And guilty as charged, from that day I have decided not to overwhelm my daughter with my eccentric emotions.
Lately she also has started finding me in a crowd, when she is surrounded with family and friends; she calls out mumma and comes running to me to just give a peck on my cheek or a small hug. It melts my heart with happiness and pride. It is so reassuring to know that she cares and remembers me. Times when she catches flu or is down with the weather she does not want to be with anyone but me, she just cringes to me, does not want me to leave and hugs me tight. I cannot even begin to fathom how I feel at those moments. The other day when she was taken down with flu, I asked her if mumma can go to office, and she said “No, NO, No, No”, with her fingers enacting her words. And when her father asked if he could leave for office, she said “Yes, Go”. OMG, I cannot begin to explain how much pride this gave me, not that we are into some competition, but these little brownie points are so wonderful.
So I have become a MOMMY in the true sense now, I now feel responsible, for bringing a life into the world, vigilant that a life depends on me, reassured that she depends on me, happy that I have her around. Motherhood is amazing; it gives me jitters and goosebumps of joy. And finally I am enjoying, I know someday she will fly, teenage years are rough I hear, but right now I am content with what I have. I wish it could be like this forever, but even if not, I have some beautiful memories to remember.